Last week was the anniversary of Anthony Bourdain’s death.
Throughout the years, he was a man I admired - adventurous, passionate, and unapologetically himself. I was gifted a copy of Kitchen Confidential while in college and although I knew the kitchen life wasn’t for me, I envied his ability to be fully himself and move through the world with such an unshakable center.
Full expression is a path, not an outcome. Even the most expressed people have parts that are worried about being revealed, parts that are too tender to face scrutiny, parts that don’t want to be left based on embodying who they really are.
I’ve been sharing my life online for 20 years. What started as emo musings on Live Journal (oh, the angst! oh, the heartbreak!) turned into sharing music (and a lot of hipster photos) on Myspace. Eventually, that gave way to writing longer posts on Facebook, which led to posting photography on Instagram (which is still one of my favorite things to do). Throughout many of those years, I also had a health and wellness blog which on one hand gave me so much joy (and one of my best friends) but also an eating disorder (a story for another time).
Yet even through the years, I have been holding back in various ways. Certain aspects of myself haven’t been fully shared and I’ve realized that I am still unwinding threads of hiding.
To make it more complex, I hold a lot of paradox. We all do of course, but I am specifically referring to holding conflicting identities, beliefs, and values perhaps more than most. Most radical communities don’t agree with certain aspects of me and most conservative ones don’t either.
While I see so many people manipulate themselves into a mold, I often swim in waters that aren’t fully accepted by a more binary system and that can be difficult.
And so, my constant practice is to show up more and more as my truest self, with the full understanding that not everyone will like what I have to share or even like who I fundamentally am.
The past few years have been an invitation into the pose of expressing myself in all the unpopular complexity and sitting with what happens next. I’ve lost followers, students, clients, even friends from sharing my beliefs and values recently. I am asked to remember that not everyone is meant to receive what I have to give and that all I need to do is continue to reveal - over and over and over again - even (and especially) when it is uncomfortable.
The next level of my practice has been to lean into the JOY of people not liking what I do.
Not everyone will like you.
People will hate your work.
You will be criticized, pathologized, demonized.
And…
How wonderful! Such a gift of refinement! A blessing of discernment!
The fact that people don’t like you and/or your work is a testimony to being fully expressed, to stepping into the unique constellation that the Universe created as you, to choosing authenticity over palatability.
Each one of us is here to share a message. Each of us is a divine vessel to channel medicine through - to be well used by God. Each of us is a walking prayer being answered.
May we be of service to the medicine we carry. May we open wide to trusting that what is true will stay. May we delight in the gift of being a beacon.
An invitation:
1. Make a list of 5 things you have avoided talking about on social media
2. Choose one of those things and share about it this week
3. Sit in the sensations that arise from the practice. Allow yourself to receive it all with a grounded sense of self that cannot be shaken by anything outside of yourself.
✨ Reading:
I read very few books (although I would love to be reading more), so I am very discerning as to which books I choose. The Boy with a Bird in His Chest is such a heartbreaking, beautiful, magical story of a boy who was born with a bird living inside of his chest. It’s a coming of age journey through nature, love, and belonging. I highly recommend.
✨ Listening:
Definitely not what I usually post but the song “Wayolo Yamoni” (We Overcome the Wind) from Christopher Tin is beautiful. Give it 5 minutes so you can hear Jimmer Bolden’s incredible voice. I am always incredibly moved when watching a composer conducting his own work, it must be the gift of a lifetime.
✨ Watching:
I am a lover of “play research” and I find the history and culture of play fascinating. This show dives into many realms of the human playground from past to present and highlights the importance of play for healing, community survival, and connection to something bigger.
Also…
Show-stopping lilacs. Poke bowls with crispy onions and garlic. Talking about the gift of jealousy in ART IS A PORTAL. Older men who always tip their hat. Younger men who always tip their hat. A dream where I swam underwater for eternity. Lymphatic facial massage (which I shared a mini-class on for my paid newsletter last month!). A million ripples upon the lake. A deep exhale during a nighttime walk, soaking in the sweet and humid air. Falling asleep in braids and waking up to Rapunzel hair. Listening to music that reminds me of being young and wild and carefree. Possibility. Opening to it all.
Something big is coming, a culmination of one of the oldest and deepest parts of my work. I will be sharing more soon but here is a taste of what is next:
A blessing: May you remember you are everlasting
Love, Binyamina Aisha
I love all of this <3
beautiful <3